When Your Nervous System Is Screaming and You Still Have to Function
How Are You Coping, Really?
Life moves so quickly, and we’re always going, going, going. Then, when we finally get the chance to check in with ourselves, we realize we feel lost.
Our nervous system is dysregulated, and we are constantly in a state of survival—fight, flight, or freeze.
I have been there. I can share two instances when my nervous system was so dysregulated and my survival response kicked on, even though I wasn’t in any real danger.
Both instances were at work. The first time, I had just gotten to the office and I was getting my workspace ready. Directly behind me was the coffee station, and a male coworker was getting his coffee when suddenly someone started brushing my back.
I froze.
I thought he was the one touching me. When I turned, it was actually a female coworker I was close and comfortable with. She was just brushing lint off my coat.
The second incident was similar, but it happened well into the day. I was hyper‑focused on a task. This was an open office setting, so I was aware there were people working around me. Then suddenly, someone touched my shoulder.
Out of impulse I yelled, “Don’t touch me!”
Not taking my environment into consideration, my survival instinct kicked on. This one was fight, and like a dog, my bark was the warning.
When I turned, it was a good friend of mine who was just saying hello. I apologized for my reaction (although, for many reasons I won’t get into now, I really didn’t need to apologize). We were both a bit embarrassed.
There are a couple of lessons here:
Don’t touch people at work. Even if you know them well, it can be inappropriate and jarring.
Dysregulation can trigger your survival instincts and lead to situations that could have been avoided.
What I learned is that there is a real need to regulate your nervous system and find ways to cope with what’s going on with you personally.
When the world feels like it’s on fire and you are managing your family, school, work, social obligations, eldercare, personal health concerns, etc. etc., it can be hard to find time to do anything just for yourself.
And it is oh so important!
Not only are we directly impacted, but so are the people who surround us—especially the people closest to us.
For me, even when everything in my personal life is going well, the outside world can still trigger a stress response.
A popular read (in my inner circle, anyway) and a recommendation from my therapist is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. This book explains how our bodies can hold on to past experiences. Even if, emotionally, you don’t feel a charged response to a trigger, your body might. Symptoms can be ordinary and seemingly unrelated—like, in my personal experience, asthma, chronic colds, body pain, difficulty concentrating, and fatigue. The list is long. One thing I learned from this book is that movement is a powerful way to unlock and release trauma.
So take a moment right now and ask yourself: How do you cope with it all?
For me, I love to dance, and I have always identified as a dancer. Even when I was a child experiencing trauma, I used to say that “dance is my therapy.” It was a beautiful way to express emotion and release negative feelings (at least temporarily). So I started taking dance classes again. I can feel such a release, and my soul feels so light.
My husband’s “therapy” of choice is basketball. He also describes basketball as therapy. The release of stress and aggression he experiences on the court allows him to show up better as a husband and father. He loves basketball so much that he has a gym membership with Pickup USA.
One last plug I’m going to share, because I recently experienced its significant impact, is a sound bath. The first time I did a sound bath, it felt like a major weight was lifted from my shoulders. The second time was a different experience—more grounding and clarifying. I definitely plan to have more sound baths in my future. It was hard to find options at first, but if you are near the Inland Empire in Southern California, here are three places to explore: Salt Oasis, Sound With Sierra, and Xhale Yoga Studio.
To be clear, I am not a wellness coach. However, there is a clear link between mental and physical health and your ability to perform basic skills like learning, problem solving, and critical thinking.
If you receive academic and career coaching services from me, I will absolutely ask you about your mental and physical health. I take a holistic approach to supporting my clients. It’s hard for people to execute the tasks I assign if they are struggling in other areas as well.
Now let’s take a positive perspective. When your nervous system is regulated and you are feeling calm, you are able to give more kindness to others. Even smiling and saying hi to a total stranger can put them in a better mood. It also puts you in a better mood because you can see the impact you made. In other words, what you give, you receive, and giving kindness is more for yourself than it is for others. This positive outlook was inspired by The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Carlton Abrams.
When I work with clients, I like to lead by example. You don’t have to do exactly what I do, but I will share what works for me and encourage you to find and honor what works for you.
Book recommendations and resources:
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Carlton Abrams
The Body Keeps the Score:Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk