What If Failure Is the Secret to Your Child’s Success?
Why are we so afraid of failure?
Maybe it’s the people‑pleaser in us, constantly seeking approval. Maybe it’s growing up with narcissistic or highly critical parents. Maybe it’s the quiet (or loud) message we absorbed: you have to get things right on the very first try.
Who decided that, anyway?
Personally, I hate feeling shame for not knowing something I’ve never experienced before. The pressure to “already know” is real, and we need to work on being kinder to ourselves.
But here’s the thing: failure is vitally important for our success.
When it comes to learning and long‑term memory, we actually remember more from the things we get wrong than from the things we get right.
There is an immense amount of learning that happens when we fail, and many books back this up: Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell, Failing Fast?: The Ten Secrets to Succeed Faster by Luv Tulsidas, and The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey, to name a few. Each of these, in different ways, reframes failure as feedback, not a final verdict.
The mistakes you never forget
Have you ever done something wrong at work and felt so embarrassed that you knew you’d never repeat that mistake again?
I remember a time I thought I was being super efficient, using mail merge to email my caseload of students. What I didn’t consider was that the mail merge system didn’t recognize my filters—and I ended up emailing everyone’s caseload. Thankfully, the message was encouraging students to see their counselor, so it was harmless enough, but it definitely should have come from their own counselor.
I was mortified.
And I never made that mistake again.
I also learned the nuances of mail merge very, very well.
On the other hand, we do things correctly all the time and have trouble thinking of a specific example. Success is often quiet. Failure leaves a sharper imprint—and that can actually serve us, if we let it.
How the brain uses mistakes to learn
When it comes to memory recall and preparation, one of my favorite strategies is called spacing, and it works beautifully with flashcards.
Here’s how it works:
Go through the whole deck.
Everything you get correct goes into Pile A.
Everything you get wrong goes into Pile B.
The next day, review Pile B (the mistakes).
Again, correct answers go to Pile A, incorrect answers stay in Pile B.
Repeat this process daily until you reach the end of the deck and Pile B is empty.
Then, go back and review Pile A to see if you still remember everything.
If you do, you’ve truly learned the information.
If you don’t, you know where to focus and which additional strategies you might need.
It makes sense that you remember more of what you got wrong—because that’s where you spent more time and effort. The brain is paying attention.
This is why “protecting” kids from ever feeling like they did something wrong can actually rob them of deeper learning.
The language we use about failure matters
This leads me to something crucial: how we talk to ourselves (and our kids) about failure.
When we fail, it’s important to approach the experience as a learning opportunity, not proof that we’re “bad” or “not smart enough.”
Helpful inner language can sound like:
“I get to try again.”
“I’m willing to work harder on this.”
“I really want to understand this.”
What we want to avoid is the spiral into shame and guilt:
“I always mess things up.”
“I’m just not a math/reading/whatever person.”
“Everyone else gets it. I’m behind.”
That defeatist attitude shuts down curiosity, effort, and confidence—the very things learning needs.
How failure builds confidence
When we work hard on something, struggle with it, and then it finally clicks? That is where confidence lives.
Confidence doesn’t come from everything being easy. It comes from:
Trying
Failing
Adjusting
Succeeding after effort
Once we’ve done something hard, we become more open to taking on the next challenge. Our brain starts to associate effort with growth and satisfaction, not just stress.
Here’s a simple example.
Think about a young child playing with one of those wooden puzzles where each piece has a matching picture on the board. For a toddler still developing fine motor skills, that task is genuinely challenging. They’re practicing how to grip, turn, and place pieces. They get it wrong. They try again.
As their skills develop, they get faster and more accurate. Eventually, that same puzzle becomes boring. They start asking for puzzles with more pieces and no picture underneath. As we grow and develop more skills, we naturally seek more challenge. It’s stimulating to the brain, and when we meet new milestones, we get a little dopamine hit—a sense of “I did it.”
This is exactly what we want for our children—and for ourselves.
Creating a family culture that welcomes “safe failure”
Imagine if, in your home, failure was expected, talked about, and even celebrated as a sign that someone is stretching their abilities.
That might look like:
Sharing one “mistake of the week” at dinner and what was learned from it.
Praising effort, problem‑solving, and persistence more than perfect results.
Letting your child email a teacher themselves, even if the email won’t be perfectly worded.
Allowing your teen to manage their own deadlines—with reminders and support, but not rescue missions every time.
Safe failures (the kind that don’t permanently harm grades, finances, or relationships) are training grounds. They build resilience, self‑trust, executive function, and a growth mindset.
Books like The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey go deep into how parents can step back in strategic ways so kids can step up. Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell and Failing Fast? by Luv Tulsidas both speak to adults who want to move faster in life and career by learning from what doesn’t work instead of being paralyzed by it.
Ready for support? You don’t have to teach this alone.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I want this for my child—but I’m not sure how to actually do this in our real life,” you are not alone.
Helping kids reframe failure, develop effective learning strategies, and build true confidence is what I’ve been doing with students for more than 15 years. As an academic and career coach, my role is to:
Teach students concrete learning tools (like spacing and other evidence‑based strategies).
Help them reframe mistakes so they become curious, not crushed.
Support parents in shifting from “fixer” to “guide,” so home becomes a safe lab for growth, not perfection.
If you’re ready for help building these skills in your family, I would be honored to support you. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. You already have a full plate—let me take this part on with you.
If this resonates and you want your child to feel more confident, less afraid of failure, and better equipped to learn, let’s talk. Request a free consultation. Together, we can create a plan that supports your child’s growth and gives you peace of mind.
Resources:
Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success by John C. Maxwell
Failing Fast?: The Ten Secrets to Succeed Faster by Luv Tulsidas
The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey